Something to Think About and a Little Bit of What Makes me Me

Around 3 a.m. yesterday morning, God allowed my imagination to spin off onto what heaven would be like (after reading the Awesome book of Isaiah). He allowed me to better grasp how truly undeserving I am of such a great and promised hope. With this thought, He reminded me how short each of our time here is on earth. Even for someone like me, who is 27 and is considered ‘young’ by most, I have no idea when my purpose here on earth is up. Most of us tend to ‘naturally’ think that we have many years ahead of us, but a lot of times, it isn’t until we experience a close friend or family member pass away that God opens our eyes to the realization of how true His statement is in James 4:14 is that says, “Life is like a morning fog. It’s here and then it’s gone.” He uses that verse to remind us to not make plans or promises (Proverbs 16:1; 16:9), for the reason that we might not be able to live up to them, as only He alone knows our future, for He says, “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed” Psalm139:16.
With this thought, He also allowed me to ponder on what it will be like when He comes back, as He says He is going to come back not for peace, but for justice (Luke18:8). He will not be coming to take sides, but to reward each person for what they have done (Matt. 16:27). I marvel at that thought and although I am personally eagerly very ready, He allowed me to think of many friends and people all over the world who are not ready and it will catch them by a very unpleasant surprise. 

Some reading this may know that you are saved…with confidence. However, there may also be some that read this and realize that they are in need of a Savior– someone who has the power to truly save. Many people think that if they ‘believe in Jesus’ then they will be saved –which is true; however, it is vital to understand the word ‘believe’. We can have the head knowledge in believing that Jesus Christ lived a sinless life on earth for 33 years, and died and rose again for the sinner to be made right with God; yet, even the demons believe that (James 2:19).

Romans 10:9-10 says, “If you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” The *heart* has to be involved...which is prepared by God. It begins with the mind, as we must hear the truth to know the truth and it is the truth in which will set us free...but it is with our hearts that we respond to that truth and in which God is able to grow and refine us into the person He has called us to uniquely be in Christ. Once a person experiences God in their heart, there will be a yearning-passionate desire to learn more about Him, to be more like Him, and follow His way of living...as once discovering Jesus, it is very clear that He lived and walked with great compassion, wisdom, and love.

If you are reading this and have ever been in love, you will be able to understand what falling (and being) in love is like. If you haven’t been in love before, I can most likely guarantee that there is...or has been at some point in your life...a strong desire to be loved and/or give love in return, which will give you the understanding of how love can so crazily affect the soul.

Love changes the inner most being of a person...even a person who has the coldest, most selfish, and hardest of hearts. Once this change occurs, there is typically a strong desire to shift the focus from self onto the loved person - this new desire even has the tendency to literally consume one's mind. It is not unusual for there to be an urge to spend as much time with other as possible in order to learn about what makes the other ‘click’. A desire to know about the other person’s life to the most fullest detail is also not uncommon, and if someone came to you and said that they didn’t think you should be with that person, you would be able to quickly list off a Gazillion reasons why you Should be with that person, and no one would have the power or ability to change your mind. That’s what it's like having an intimate relationship with Jesus.

We all want to be loved – truly loved - (or at least at some points in our lives we have had that desire...until rejection, hurt, and broken-heartedness begins to numb that God-given desire) and we have a tendency to have an underneath desire to ‘fit in’ somewhere. In fact, people will go to desperate measures to simply feel wanted, respected, valued, appreciated and loved. Some join in gangs…regardless the cost… just so they can feel needed, have companionship/family, and respect. Some use drugs and alcohol to help their minds escape to a place other than the broken world that they are striving to live in. Some give away their bodies to sex with many different people just for the short/temporary time of feeling like they are wanted...or able to be in control...,regardless of how it makes them feel afterwards. Others may stay in unhealthy and abusive relationships because at least Someone cares about them enough to be with them…even if they feel like worthless garbage while in the relationship… just as long as someone is willing to stay with them, then maybe, just Maybe, they, or their abuser, can change – as after all, the few ‘good’ moments of the relationship are worth clinging to as they shine a ray of hope! … :-(

These are just a Few of Many examples of how us humans will do just about anything to experience love and fulfillment. The thing that many don’t understand (I used to be one of those many!) is that God sent Jesus Christ to be our *Ultimate* fulfillment. This means that what He has to offer Far exceeds what any temporary fulfillment given by this life can provide. This life is not going to be easy...nor did Jesus promise us that it would be - especially if we look at His life as an example! It is extremely challenging, and a constant spiritual battle at work within us. However, even amongst the chaos of things, having a relationship with Jesus brings so much peace to us, as we know that He is praying to God the Father on our behalf (John 17:20) and He promises to make all things good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28) - for He has a time, season, and reason for everything under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

God has freed me from several different areas in my life where I attempted to rely on other things than Him to satisfy me. I relied on them to the point where I made them my god--not knowing the One True God. The Lord also gave me the grace to believe how beautiful I actually am - as He told me that He made each of us in His image (Genesis 1:27) - knitting and weaving each of us so delicately while we were in our mother's womb (Psalm 139:13-15). Before knowing this, however, I believed that the only way I could be even remotely pretty (beautiful was not in my vocabulary for myself) was to be skinny. This distorted belief allowed me to endure the road of anorexia, which ended up causing long-time major physical implications (and once I began eating years later, the food that was able to stay in me stuck like Glue and I gained a significant amount of weight in a short amount of time). I allowed a man...another mere human...to tell me what I was worth as I took to heart his opinion of ‘who I was’ – which was the complete opposite of who God said I was, but without knowing how God seen me, the distorted beliefs that engulfed my mind let me to great destruction. I experienced many years of severe depression (much of it stemmed from environment), wondering what the purpose was in living in an extremely broken world surrounded by people everywhere that were consumed in horrible situations just like me. It seemed like everywhere I went to try to find answers, unchanging hope, and purpose, people would point me to groups of others that were feeling alone and hopeless as well, in hopes of allowing me to not feel so alone. That may have been beneficial to some, but I personally felt even more alone because I realized that each person’s life and ‘shoes’ are very different and regardless of how similar one's emotions may be to another's, each person is made/'wired' so differently. I desperately needed Someone to understand Everything I had encountered…from the moment I was born, all the way up...but I didn’t believe there was anyone who could ever fulfill that need so in turn, I was left feeling 100% alone and misunderstood. I had no idea that God saw me before I was even born and had every moment of my life laid before Him as He had already recorded every single day of my life for His divine purpose (Psalm 139:16). - What amazing truth!

I had started seeing counselors at the age of 5, but that consisted of a casual talking session that allowed me to evaluate the horrible situation I was in (which at that age I had no control over) and I cried more when I walked out of the appointment than when I first walked in. Once a late teenager, my main thought process was how I was going to get out of this world without making myself have to suffer more in the process of ‘getting out’. That led me to spending great lengths of time in mental hospitals where I experienced programs such as ‘psycho drama’ (just one of many) which allowed me to re-live traumatic experiences I had been through in purpose of teaching me how to properly handle the experiences better…or in a more healthy way at least… in order to ‘heal.’ I went to numerous classes, took Numerous anti-psychotic, anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety medications trying to find the 'right' one that didn't make me worse than I already was and one that wasn't temporary and filled me with the hope I longed for.

After many years of seeking hope that seemed no where to be found, my moods and feelings of hopelessness became worse (which, by the way, Can happen! ;-) When people say things can't get worse and can only go up from here...it's not true! Satan's goal is to keep making things worse until we actually take our own lives, and then he wins the battle...(yes, this is a very real spiritual battle). The programs that I was apart of in the mental hospitals were designed to help depressed people get back on a schedule rather than secluding themselves in sleep or unhealthy activities. In the art classes, for example, the instructor would take us outside and tell us to focus on the ‘outside beauty’, but when wanting to leave this life so badly, focusing on outside 'beauty’ just reminded me more of what I wanted so desperately to leave! I was not able to see 'beauty' - all I was able to see was ugliness...things that reminded me of past memories in which I so desperately wanted to forget. I had a chiropractor once who told me that the answer to my hopelessness could be found in exercising more and getting sunshine. Exercising and sunshine may indeed be good things, but I promise you they do not have the power to heal someone's soul that was as depressed and battered as mine. I had psychiatrists who assured me that once I found the ‘right’ pill that I would be made new and would be happy and fully functional for the rest of my life.

My mom’s heart broke for the way I felt day in and day out, (she understood depression quite well herself) so in her convinced belief that I was hopeless and beyond repair, she planned my burial site while waiting for an officer to call her telling her that I finally was able to kill myself...which she admitted would have been an honest relief for her, because she hated seeing me hurt and hopeless for so long. She, along with most others in my journey, believed I was beyond help and suicide was simply the best option. In the meantime, however, she bought a $600 DVD program as a last resort option that promised to help depressed people discover lasting happiness and hope, but I finished the program feeling more hopeless as I had sought all the things that people said would give me hope, yet nothing did. I refused to hear or accept anymore sugar-coated nonsense – I had enough of that since I was 5. I needed something Real. There were Christians that came into my life that said they would pray for me, but what did that mean to me? …Nothing. I could now ask Why they didn’t share the priceless treasure and hope that God shared with them through the Bible, but I now fully understand that it was all apart of His great plan. He knew Exactly what I needed...and didn’t need...and when, in order to experience His love, grace, mercy, and rich forgiveness *as much as possible* at Just the right time.

Luke 7:47 says, “I tell you, her sins - and they are many - have been forgiven, so she has shown Me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” Jesus knew how stubborn and hard my heart had become. He knew that if He would have revealed His truth to me at an earlier time than when He did on the night of February 10, 2007, that I would not have been as grateful … which means I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to experience His amazing grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness in the way I did – in a way that would passionate me enough to really grow with Him intimately and give me a burning desire to make Him known to others. So many others have come to know His love for them due to the way He expressed His love to me. What a wonderful blessing that is to experience!

Scripture tells us that our time here on earth is short (James 4:14) and if we have the knowledge that He is calling us to Him, we are to open the door to Him and respond to His call (Revelation 3:20). God is reaching out to each of us, and He allows us to know this by allowing specific people and things in our path. Nothing is a coincidence. If you are driving and see a sign that says, “Jesus loves you”…know that Jesus allowed you to be on that road at that specific time and He desires for you to know that He loves you and is calling you to seek and know Him. If you are reading this right now it is because God drew you to do so ;-)

I knew nothing about God, nor did I care to know about Him after experiencing many years of such hardship...much of it quite traumatic. From my human and limited understanding, I could not grasp why a supposedly ‘good’ God would allow such things to happen to me; let alone why He would allow bad things to happen to everyone (and thing) else in the world as well!! The reason I could not grasp this was because I did not have a Clue who this God really was...though as of now, the more I learn about Him, the more I realize how very Little I actually know about Him - but I know He Is Love, mysterious, jealous for each of us, and is a God who is to be reverenced and worshiped because He is worthy of All praise. However, it is incredible how He chooses to reveal Himself to us piece by piece in such a way that allows us to go ‘awe!, I see now!’...though what we 'see' is only a Piece to all He truly is and has in store for us to see as His children. I also had no idea that just as there was a God who loved me, there was also an enemy whose literal mission was to get me confused about the truth of God, and keep me away from knowing His great love and intense passion for me (John 10:10). 1 Peter 5:8 says that our enemy, the devil (and this isn’t a guy in a red outfit with a pitchfork who comes out on Halloween!), roams around like a roaring lion, seeking someone he can devour. I knew that my situation may have not been near as bad as someone else’s… as I was reminded of that constantly growing up, but that didn’t help my situation! People told me to just ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’…or another famous one was, ‘time heals all wounds…just give it time,’ but I will be the first to say that All of that is true hogwash. I discovered that many people just simply don’t know what to say and they say things like this out of good intent to encourage and bring ‘hope’ without realizing the hurt that simple words such as that can stir within a lost and broken individual. With this said, I too, am still learning these things myself when speaking with others going through their own situations in which satan is attempting to do whatever he can to take them out and desires to use 'us' as his tools. We are all human, we All fail and make mistakes - only God alone is truly good (Mark 10:18) and it's important to extend mercy just as much as we desire to receive mercy. After all...God, in His great grace has given each of us Far greater mercy than we could EvEr come close to deserving!...Thank God for Jesus Christ!

I have no desire to give endless amounts of ‘hope’ that will only get you (the reader of this) feeling worse. My desire and great passion is to share only Truth for whomever God may be drawing near to Him at this current time. This is not about my desire to be ‘right’ or my mere opinion of what ‘I’ think is to be true – it’s about sharing the Word of God –Truth that gives peace, freedom, and unchanging joy (regardless of circumstance) in a way that I personally had never even dreamed before coming to know Christ for myself. This truth will set the captive free in ways never imagined possible…and not by one's own power to where someone would be able to boast about how he/she did it (refer to Ephesians 2:9). It is through the power of the Holy Spirit that enables us to know that *God* alone did this great work through the finished work of Jesus Christ. This is grace.

No matter how much love (or hurt!) you may have experienced from another human…the love of Christ is incomparable. I want all to know what True love Really is and consists of and to know each day how greatly valued, prized, and cherished each individual is…not by the standards, opinions, and judgments of the world, but by the One who created and formed each person...so that we may all know His jealous love that is entangled within such great mercy, grace, and power. I want all to know that everything each person has gone through, and will go through…good and bad…has already been seen by God (refer to Psalm 139:16). Forgiveness, as well as eternal rewards and blessing are all waiting for those who humble themselves at the beautiful feet of Jesus, finding promised hope through what He did on the cross. I want the outcasted, the ‘lost causes’, the misunderstood, and the rejected to know that no matter how many names they have been called, how much they have been ignored and pushed away, and how worthless of a state they and others may see themselves to be in, God sent Jesus Christ to die for them in order that they may be saved and given a new life filled with constant acceptance by The King. Jesus did not come to help the ones who don't believe they need help and are already ‘good enough’; He came to help the ones who realize they need rescued by the Ultimate Savior and who want a relationship based on genuine and unfailing love that nothing or no one in this world can ever fully provide (refer to Luke 5:32).

Without Christ I am worthless. Regardless of the struggles of this broken world, I know without doubt that God has me here (along with All of us) for His divine purpose (refer to Galatians 2:20 and Ephesians 2:10). I no longer have to fight for myself, or for what I have been through or the current trials I am going to go through, for I know that He is my righteousness, defender, and advocate. I know He is always with me (refer to Joshua 1:9), even in the times when I don’t want to be with myself! He is the God who provides (refer to Philippians 4:19)...in fact, one of His very names is Jehovah Jireh (the Lord our Provider) (Genesis 22:14) - and He provides in ways that bring me to my knees out of awe many times. He is the Only one who can give a person inner peace which surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7)...amongst all the worldly chaos...that doesn’t fade and helps one to endure with an eternal message of hope and purpose. All He wants is for us to seek Him, for He tells us that if we seek Him, we will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13). Once we find Him, He wants us to respond to His call by giving Him our hearts that He has already begun to prepare for a relationship with Him. This requires faith…but even that He gives us by His grace (Romans 12:3). From that point, as we continue to seek Him, He will continue to refine us for the remainder of our time here on earth (refer to Isaiah 48:10/Psalm 66:10) - He never gives up on us (refer to Romans 8:37-39) and He...as the jealous God He is for us (refer to Exodus 34:14)...never wants us to give up on Him either.

If you read this and are thinking you would love to have a relationship with Him but you have no desire in giving up things that you are currently relying on to help you survive, no worries. Don't be so hard on yourself. You should not stop doing anything simply based on what another person says or believes...or even because it may seem like the ‘thing’ to do! After you experience the amazing encounter of Jesus within your heart, He will…by your allowance…continue to lead and refine you...with ease (by His grace) at the pace He knows is right for you in accordance to how He has 'built' you. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Absolutely. Reading the Bible is a *Vital* key to growing in a relationship with Him. It may seem intimidating at first, but that's just satan's attempt at making you want to resist reading the most amazing, transforming, life-instruction manual/book of Love that's on this earth. If you have attempted to read it in the past and don't want to open it again because you couldn't understand it, I strongly encourage you to first, pray for the Holy Spirit to give you understanding and to open your heart to what God is wanting you to hear, and Then begin reading it. Don't let your feelings of doubt defeat you from knowing truth that can set you free. God will help you in a way that you cannot even imagine/grasp...He just asks you to to seek Him and by faith, believe what He has to say. Within time, you will begin to see the chains in which are currently holding you down, start to break free...this is a lifelong process but such an incredible (and humbling!) thing to have the opportunity to experience ;-) 2 Corinthians 3:18 in the Message says, “Our lives gradually become brighter and more beautiful as Christ enters our lives and we become like Him.” It’s a process, but one that is so amazing that I simply cannot (and don't want to!) keep it to myself.
                                                                                                                                                    
For the people reading this who think they know Jesus, and Think they are saved…I have one thought I encourage you to ponder on that I personally ponder on often as well. When your time here on earth is up and you see Him face to face, will you stand before Jesus knowing that He was really your Lord on earth? Or, is there a possibility that He may say, “I’m sorry. I don’t even know you”? Here’s a couple of verses to ponder on… Luke 13:22-30 states, “Jesus went through the towns and villages, teaching as He went, always pressing on towards Jerusalem. Someone asked Him, "Lord, will only a few be saved?" He said, "Work hard to enter the narrow door to God’s Kingdom, for many will try to enter but will fail. A lot of you are going to assume that you'll sit down to God's salvation banquet just because you've been hanging around the neighborhood all your lives. Well, one day you're going to be banging on the door, wanting to get in, but you'll find the door locked and the Master saying, 'Sorry, you're not on my guest list.' "You'll protest, 'But we've known you all our lives!' only to be interrupted with his abrupt, 'Your kind of knowing can hardly be called knowing. You don't know the first thing about Me'” (NLT and Message Version).

Matthew 7:21-23 (NLT and MSG version) also says, "Not everyone who calls out to Me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of My Father in heaven will enter. On judgment day many will say to Me, ‘'Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.' And do you know what I am going to say? 'You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don't impress me one bit. You're out of here.'”

That's heavy stuff, but it's definitely something I personally like to keep at the forefront of my mind on a daily basis while walking in His grace.

If anyone reading this has Any questions (or personal thoughts to share), Please do not hesitate to write me. I am open and willing to respond, but again, I will be the first to say that I am a mere-flawed human who is also just simply on this life in Christ journey. I do not know all the answers (nor do I even have Many answers). In fact, the more I read the Bible and get to know God, the more questions are raise within myself as I realize how mysterious He is and His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). Each day is a growing point, and I encourage all who read this to remember that if I, or someone else, lets you down in some way, please keep in mind that man Will let man down because we are all flawed. Also, since I am growing along with everyone else in Christ, it is Crucial to compare everything that is said to the Bible - the true authoritative and unchanging source. God will continue to refine and grow my understanding (in His time) and that's why it is important to always compare what I, or anyone else, says to Scripture. Christ will *never* change and He will never let us down or disappoint us. The worst thing a person could do is stop seeking Christ because of something another Christian did or said. When we stand before Christ, it is going to be ourselves and Him– we will have to give account for our own self...we will not be able to blame other Christians for our own disbelief or actions, for Scripture gives us all we need to know the truth of God (refer to 2 Peter 1:3).

Colossians 2:3 says that “In Him (Christ) lie hidden *all* the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” If you are reading this and do not have a Bible translation that you can understand, or if you don’t have a Bible at all, please let me know and I would love to mail you one immediately at God’s allowance. Some people have been embarrassed by this... but there is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about! God blesses the humble!, and beyond that, it all comes back to Ecclesiastes 3:1 which reminds us what I had mentioned previously in this blog... "To everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven." I began to read the Bible when I was 23 years old, but I know some that were not led to start reading it until they were very old in age. The age doesn't matter... If God is calling you at *this* very moment, embrace the call with joy and thankfulness. If you want me to pray for you, it would be an honor for me to do that as well!

Changing From Glory to Glory

It has been a while since I have last blogged! However, I am currently taking this term off from school and I have some extra time to post some new things! For anyone who still comes to this site and reads any of my past blogs, I want to mention the fact that God has refined and reshaped my views within the past 6 years since first starting this blog. I have considered going back through past blogs and editing them (or deleting them altogether) if my views from then are substantially different from now (based on the new things the Holy Spirit has revealed to me through His Word throughout the years), but I have chosen to leave them on here. What I believed at one point is still a great part of the journey in which God has allowed me to be on and it makes up who I am in Him. Over the years, however, the Holy Spirit has convicted me of many things and has filled me with more peace in Christ than I had when first being saved 6 years ago. The things I write now is where God has me at right now, but as His child, He will not leave me the same (thank You Lord!). The change process can be difficult, raw, and even ugly, but it is also beautiful all in the same as what a blessing it is that He is willing to continue to work in His children to make us become more and more like Him! I am thankful to know that even though I continue to change from glory to glory in His image, He never changes (Malachi 3:6). So in saying all of this, just keep in mind as you read through my past posts that I am not the same person now as I was then and God will continue to do a good work in me as I grow in Him, but if you have questions on something, Please feel fee to ask! :-)

Thanks

God had put it on my worship leader’s heart to ask me to lead ‘See His Love’ this past weekend. No matter where I’m at, if I am singing with other believers to our God, it is nothing less than an amazing experience. Even singing acapella to my God in my own living room, or with Hillsong Church blasting in the background, is such an awesome time to pour out my heart to God. But, with leading a song, comes people’s compliments and encouragement. God is working in me, but I have such a difficult time saying ‘thank you’, because I know full and well that I truly have no right to say such a thing, as I would be robbing God of the credit He alone deserves. But, who wants to hear a long story of ‘why’ I don’t feel right saying ‘thank you’? Some people do…if God has allowed them the time to hear it…but so many of us who serve at church, are on a mission to go from point A to point B in a matter of minutes which doesn’t allow the time for long-winded explanations. So simply saying, ‘Praise God’ is the answer most will hear from me.

Many people don’t understand my sensitivity with this, and I don’t expect them to. Before meeting Jesus, my Lord and Savior, 4 ½ years ago, I would have been able to say ‘thank you’ and not be convicted of anything different. I have had a passion to sing since the age of 4, and at that time, God allowed me to walk around doing nothing But singing whatever came to my mind…in other words, they were songs I made up as I walked along. I didn’t care if they made sense or not, I just wanted to sing. Besides being in gymnastics growing up…, which I wasn’t good at…, singing was what my life consisted of. I was never a social person for more reasons than I desire to express right now, so I would stay in my room with the door closed just singing to a pretend audience while either looking in the mirror or out the window. I poured my heart out to songs by Amy Grant, Madonna, Faith Hill, and Martina McBride, just to name a few. God allowed me to live in some intense living situations, so songs such as ‘Independence Day’, ‘Broken Wing’, both by Martina McBride, and ‘A Man’s Home is His Castle’ by Faith Hill, really hit home for me. I had such a great passion to be able to sing songs such as those, to help others that were going through the things of those songs to know that I understood their pain, at least to an extent.

In middle school, I had tried out for Arts Council Choir, all the three years I was eligible, and never made it. That devastated me. My dad, who was a very busy man, tried showing his support for my hard work and dedication of practicing by trying to find me a private singing lesson teacher. Once he thought he had found one, the teacher either wouldn’t show up to the appointment, or they would tell him that I was too young, and my voice was still maturing…which made no sense…but regardless, that apparently was not what God had wanted for me, otherwise He would have allowed the opportunity.

When getting into high school, I was in the general choir classes my freshman and sophomore years, but when trying out for the honor choir, I did not make it. My grandma Payne worked with me from the age of 4, all the way through my school years trying to help me sing from my diaphragm…which totally contradicted what I was taught in choir. The choir teachers wanted me to sing in my falsetto, AKA “head voice”, so I had started out at age 4 singing boldly from my diaphragm, to getting into the mold of trying to sing falsetto…to learning again to sing with my “chest voice”, from the diaphragm. Oh if my grandma were still alive, she would tell you the intense hours she spent trying to re-teach me how to sing.

I moved to Moundridge the beginning of my junior year and sang in choir both my junior and senior years, then tried out for their honor choir my senior year and finally made it! It wasn’t long before that didn’t work out for me because part of being on that team consisted of singing with the group at various churches on Sunday’s and that was so miserable and not worth it to me. I hated going to stale churches. So, I got off that team but still hoped for a lead part at concerts, but it seemed like everyone But me got those parts (I’m being a little exaggerate with saying ‘everyone’ but bare with me). I was disappointed, but was able to sing a solo part at our graduation due to my fellow classmates wanting me to.

From there, I had seen a nation wide singing contest information slip in my music teacher’s school mailbox, as I was office aid at the time and put it in there. It said that in order to be apart of the contest, the contestant would have to send in a recorded cd of 2 songs, and from there, they would select 8 winners (if I remember right) to come to Nashville and be apart of a 2-day seminar that consisted of well-known publishers, producers, and song writers. After the seminar, we would have the chance to sing in front of a group of well-known panelists who would critique and grade us, and then allow us the opportunity to further our career. Well, I sent in the 2-songed cd and a few months later found out that I was one of the contestants to make it! It was an amazing experience. I had never had people want my autograph before that point and it definitely gave me a little boost of self-pride (which I wish I would have known what God has to say about pride in James 4:6!). I was so happy that someone noticed and wanted my talent!

I had no desire of moving to Nashville at that time, so after that contest, I started gaining interest in doing other contests. The Hutch Fest was always a regular contest for me, and it occurred at the end of June every year. The finalists would then go on to sing at the State Fair Grounds on the 4th of July to perform in front of a huge crowd, on a huge stage. I sang at that contest several times, and made it as a finalist one of the times. Singing on that huge stage was such a great rush. The bigger the crowd, the better, and the less nervous I seemed to be. It was also a very special moment for me, because my mom, step-dad, and I had been to see some of my favorite country artists perform on that same stage. I thrived off the attention, because honestly, I felt that my singing was all I really had to offer. I had been beaten down with critical and negative words, made up of lies, the majority of my whole life, and I allowed it to affect me greatly.

Thriving off of people’s praise so much, I started singing in Colgate Country Showdowns, all over the state of Kansas, as well as some in Oklahoma. In the majority of them, a contestant would have to send their cd of 2 songs in the mail and if a person qualified, they would receive a letter by mail and have the opportunity to go and compete against other really good singers. I qualified for all but one, if I remember right, and competed in these contests quite often. Within doing that, I also sang in some churches and performed in a few here-and-there mini-concerts, where I got paid at a couple, while also doing another contest called the ‘Kansas Idol’ where I received a bronze medallion.

I say all of this not to boast about anything I have done, but to help anyone who reads this gain some understanding of why I am the way I am now, and to make a point.

In receiving a lot of compliments, I started finding self-confidence from being praised. If I messed up when I sang or if I didn’t do my absolute best, I was devastated and felt like a major failure. (And, in saying this, I still have my moments of this but this is just another area that God continues to grow me in.) Within doing these contests, I battled severe depression and manic moods, and was on heavy doses of medication, as well as spending my time getting high on marijuana (after I had graduated high school). I was incredibly doped up and made it a goal to never eat, so I was not only unhealthy, but also badly anorexic.

In between times, I stayed in mental hospitals just in purpose of trying to get my self back on track, but those places only brought me to a worse state of mind. When friends and family would see me, they would say, “There’s my favorite singer” or “I'm your biggest fan!”, but it wasn't long before I felt like people only liked me because of my singing. I didn’t feel like anyone wanted to know the real me or anything else about me. The most common thing I heard was, "Don't forget me when you become famous!" I started to evaluate who my real friends were and when things got really bad in my life, I didn't have to evaluate very hard. No one was there, but I now know that God used that time to allow me to come to a realization that He was there the whole time and understand every detail of it all.

When God flooded my heart in 2006 in such a way that I knew He was real, He really started really drawing me to Him and understanding His truth. On February 10, 2007, He gave me peace, understanding, wisdom, and love in ways that only He alone could have done by the power of the Holy Spirit. Since that day, I have never been the same, and He opened my eyes and touched my heart in such a powerful way that my only desire is to give Him praise, as He alone deserves. Exodus 31:1-11 says,

“Then the Lord said to Moses, “Look, I have specifically chosen Bezalel son of Uri, grandson of Hur, of the tribe of Judah. I have filled him with the Spirit of God, giving him great wisdom, ability, and expertise in all kinds of crafts. He is a master craftsman, expert in working with gold, silver, and bronze. He is skilled in graving and mounting gemstones and in carving wood. He is a master at every craft! And I have personally appointed Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, to be his assistant. Moreover, I have given special skill to all the gifted craftsmen so they can make all the things I have commanded you to make: …”

As we can read, it is the Lord who gives wisdom, ability, and expertise. It is not of our own doing! For me to say thank you to someone who says, “good job!” or “I Love your voice!” would be like me accepting the credit for a voice that I did not create. He made us all in His likeness, so the voices each of us have, are of no choice of our own. God specifically made each voice for each person. For Him to give me the gift of singing has nothing to do with me. He also gave me the ears to hear what I need to hear, the eyes to see what I need to see, and the brain ability to even think of what I’m saying/singing. With this said, I understand that the Lord has not convicted such truth to the majority of people, and He is working on me in a great way to take their compliments to heart, knowing that they truly mean well. God does not want to me to walk around judging other people's words, but to live in peace and personally abide to the specific things He has opened my eyes to.

I was able to accept the praise before understanding all of this, but once He graciously gave me such precious knowledge (which was so freeing, by the way!), how could I say ‘thank you’ and feel ok with that? He is my Savior, my Redeemer, and the One who fought for my life by going through all He went through and nailing Himself to a cross...all so I could have life in Him and be called His child and friend!

Some have told me I am being overly sensitive, but if they had gone through what I had gone through and had been saved in such a powerful way, only then would they be able to fully understand. There are going to be people who do not like the voice God has given me, and He has given me complete peace and assurance with that! When competing in the past, there were some people who I thought sounded Amazing, who didn’t even place. And, there are some voices I hear that others really like, and I have to do all I can to remember that God created that voice...just being honest! God has tuned everyone’s ears to something different. I am not a fan of hearing the bag pipes, the trumpet, saxophone, or flute, but others Love the sound of such instruments. Some people can’t stand to listen to Joyce Meyer’s deep voice, but God has allowed me not mind it at all, and see it as such a great blessing. So, if anyone is blessed by the voice He has given me, I know that it is because God tuned their ears and hearts for it to be, so all praise to Him! Again, nothing to do with me :-)

God says in Proverbs 27:21,

“Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but a person is tested by being praised.”

My whole desire is to honor the God who saved me and gave me a voice to use for His glory. ...And the more the merrier! When believers come together to worship Him through song, He unites us all to make one unified voice! So amazing :-) His love remains great for me, and I know that full and well, but I also know that there are some things that He keeps us from doing if He sees that we are not ready to handle what has already given to us.

I always say that I sing to an audience of *1*…and that 1 being my Lord. I have no desire to please people anymore, but only the Lord, the One gave me life and sustains me for His purpose. With that said, coming from a past of receiving nothing but praise from people, I find this to still be a challenge at times. I realize that there are many people who see the worship team sing who have never encountered the hope of Christ and are looking for that something real. It is an amazing feeling to have a part in communicating to them God's great Truth through the words of a song. And, it definitely takes the *whole* worship team to fully communicate this! I am just a one person within the whole team, but it is so beautiful to see how God uses each of us to communicate in our own unique and specific ways :-) It amazes me how God has grown me in this area as well! I used to never be part of a 'team' but depended on my soloist abilities. God has turned that around to be the complete opposite now. I prefer to sing with the other leaders, rather than doing any solos, but am honored to do whatever the Lord wants me to do. Ephesians 4:16 says,

"He makes the whole body fit together and unites it through the support of every joint. As each and every part does its job, He makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love."To be able to tell people in love that Jesus died for me, it is Finished, and He has done it, is an incredible blessing. To be able to communicate the greatness of God’s love for all of us in words such as, “Greater love, no one could ever show, mercy so undeserved, freedom I should not know~All my sins, all of my hidden shame, died with Him on the cross, eternity Won for us”, is a phenomenal way to get super pumped for our God, as it reminds us who we are (which is nothing without Him) and who He is (which is a holy and awesome God). Because of who we are and what He has done for us, we do not deserve such undeserved amazingness!

Although God continues to teach me how to exactly answer each person who does their best to encourage (and I will say again that He still has a lot of work to do in me with this area!), my true-desired response is Luke 17:10,

“We are not worthy of praise. We are servants who have simply done our duty.”


Thanks for reading :-)


“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends You, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” ~Psalm 139:23-24“God chose thing the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And He chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.” ~1 Corinthians 1:27-29“To see yourself as you really are, you must first see God as He really is. Only then can “the truth set you free.” (References to John 8:32) ~Rick Warren

Christmas/New Years 2009

After waiting for the Christmas season to arrive...since last years Christmas...it has finally come and quickly gone, but there have been several things God opened my heart up to this year and I want to share a couple regarding the Christmas and New Years season.

Kevin and I started with the decorations earlier than most this year. We put up the Christmas tree in late September and the rest of the decorations soon followed. We initially did this for the reason of the doctor's belief that I would not have eye sight for too much longer, as they are amazed that I still have it as of this point. Since putting my faith in Jesus alone, followed by His strong conviction, and disregarding any suggested surgeries and medical help, we thought it would a good idea if I was surrounded by things that I thought were beautiful to the eyes for the time being of having them. I still agree with this point of view, as I have no idea what the future holds and am just following the Lord's desired will for the life He has given me. If it involves becoming blind, so be it, as I know He will be glorified regardless my condition, and I have the rest assured promise that if He hasn't healed me here on earth, He will definitely heal me in the home I was made for in heaven! But, God has opened my eyes to an obvious fact that Christmas should not be celebrated just once a year, but every single day of our lives. Sure, I have to say that it is an amazing soul booster to know that people who don't celebrate Christ on a day to day basis or don't go to church at all during the year, are willing to set aside a time to focus on Him for one day/evening! But speaking for myself, I never want to lose sight of God sending Jesus to die for me, and the whole world's sins, for whoever chooses to follow Him. Everyday, my goal is to focus on His greatness and I constantly remind myself to finish the race He has set before me while going through battle after battle. It just absolutely Amazed me how many people's attitudes changed around Christmas time. I wish I would have kept track of how many people stopped to say "Merry Christmas" to me! It was literally astonishing and that astonishment is what God used to open my mind and heart to the thought, 'what if we all walked by each other on a day to day basis and said, "Merry Christmas" to each other, or "God bless you", or "Our Savior Lives*!" Even a simple wave is hard for a lot of us brothers and sisters in Christ to do, but how much stronger of a family would be become by doing those simple things and keeping the reason of why we are here in main focus on a day to day basis! God would be astounded with all he glory that He would be getting, and that is Exactly what He deserves! I am not trying to criticize or pick on anyone when writing this, as the Holy Spirit convicted me with this stuff and I find myself failing continuously in trying to glorify Him to His full desire, even on the little things such as this.

I think one of the hardest things for all of us to overcome is our shyness and insecurities. Not a lot of regular Christians will put in the effort or time to wave or keep in remembrance that we are all a Creation of the same awesome God, and we all need to be encouraged and loved by one another. My husband was reading a story in his Bible about an adult who was extremely low and was contemplating suicide. This is what it reads...
"San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge is known for its man made beauty. But the mammoth structure is also infamous for something ugly-lonely and depressed people jumping to their deaths into the churning water and jagged rocks below. One young man who committed suicide left a note on the dresser in his apartment that read, 'I'm going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me, I won't jump.'- Tragically, he didn't find what he was looking for."

All that young man was looking for was One person to smile or wave. I pray this hits your heart and opens your eyes as it did mine when God allowed me to hear it. With this, I am also reminded of how crucial our words are. I have so many examples, but the example of the question, 'how are you' comes to first thought. How many times do we walk by people and say, "Hi! How are you?" A lot, huh? Well, how many times do we really want an honest answer? It is so easy to get in the routine of just saying, "Hi, how are you" with the expectation that he other person is going to say, "fine, and you?" Then, the other person says 'fine' as well and they continue walking. Some people don't even wait for the answer, they just ask the question as they are walking and continue to walk without the other person even having time to answer. It is so easy to get in the routine of just saying, "Hi, how are you" with the expectation that the other person is going to say, "fine, and you?" But the majority of the time, after the person they ask says they are 'fine', they can walk away and pat themselves on the back for at least saying Something when they really had no desire to say anything in the first place. We (including myself) need to really stop and consider what we are saying and if the words we are speaking really line up with truth according to God and the hearts He has given us to use. Although me may not think anything of it, there may just be someone who we come across that is paying very close attention to what we say and how we say it. When asking how a person is, we need to really Desire to know. In return, it will help the relationship grow and it will bring glory to God in a better way because we are being sensitive to the people He puts in our paths. He always has a reason for who we see, but we have the choice to recognize the reason and submit to His calling, or just allow our flesh to over rule. Of course, there are people that I have passed who do not desire to tell me how they are honestly doing, and I take that into consideration when coming in contact with them, and then there are people I see when either I, or they, are in a rush, and instead of asking how they are doing, I instead say, "It's good to see you!" I say that more than I ask people how they are, because although I care to know how others are, I don't want them to feel as though i'm 'prying' into their business. My dad always told me not to ask questions, as he said they would tell me what they want me to know. That is true to some degree, as although I agree with that, there are people who don't want to say anything at all unless asked, so it's hard to always distinguish what to do, and what to ask or not ask. When saying "Good to see you", I don't just say it to say something. I say it because I am keeping aware the fact that God allowed me to cross their path for His purpose and it allows me to realize that He is still allowing breath in that person for a divine reason. It also reminds me to pray for that person after meeting up with them, as we all need prayed for. Again, in saying all of this, God is continually working on me hard core in this area, and I don't say that lightly!!! He has shown me so much mercy and truth through this, but He never gives up on me as long as He sees my willingness to be sensitive to His teaching and call. He will humble us in the ways He knows we are needing to be humbled in order for Him to be greatly exalted through our learned experience.

Now, regarding New Years...I have posted on my facebook status that I feel the celebration of New Years is over-rated, as I feel we should celebrate each day just as we were to celebrate new years eve. God has allowed me to realize since I was a little girl, how hard each day in this broken world really is. He has allowed me extra sensitivity to a lot of things that most have made fun of me for and are able to easily overlook, but with the sensitivity, it allows me to really try to take heart to how amazing each breath and day He gives us, really are. When we celebrate a new year, we have high hopes of it being a 'better year' and we have new goals and aspirations. But God tells us to rejoice over each and every day, not just the one before a new year. We can say that certain years are worse than others, and we can even look back on our high hopes for last year with realization now of how 'horrible' it was, but Christ reminds us that this world is going to be hard as we are not made for this world. He teaches us about trials, and how we should take heart. Every day is a trial, and I could pull out Several things that breaks my heart, but that would be robbing glory from God. He has me here for His purpose, not my own and He allows everything to happen in order to end up bringing glory to Him if we so choose. Each day is what we make of it. Matthew 6 tells us a lot of awesome truthful reminders for daily living, but a couple that really steals my attention is when Jesus reminds us that He already knows All of our needs and if we make the Kingdom of God our primary concern, He will give us all we need from day to day in order to live for Him. If we really desire to live for Him each day, this should be Fantastic news, regardless of our horrible temporary condition/circumstance. Of course, I know that this is easier to say than live, but it is very encouraging. I also love how Jesus says in the same chapter that wherever our treasure is, is where our hearts and thoughts will also be! So very true. It's our choice...unless we have some type of a condition that disables us from being able to make see our clear choice. And, with that said, I am also not referring to the people who do not yet have a relationship with Christ. As Christ followers though, it is important for us to realize our need for God on a daily basis. At the end of each day, there are so many things we can look back on and notice how we could do better, and those thoughts should incline us to do better the next day. I continue to fail in this aspect as well, according to God's desire for me, but it is God's great desire to give us a revelation on a day to day basis through His awesome Spirit of convictions. We can all have many goals and 'new years resolutions' but how often do we hold true to those goals? Sure, we may keep strong for a couple of months, but how do we check out at the end of the year when it's time to make another one? We need to keep ourselves in check daily, and we don't need to wait until the new year has arrived. God would actually count that as a sin because we are putting His kind and gently conviction on the back burner. We all need to grow in so many areas, and I would say me more than most lol, but that is what each day is for. Every breath is an opportunity for us to grow closer to our Maker, but in order to grow closer to Him, we have to recognize where we Need to grow according to His purpose each day. We cannot do this alone. We have to really depend on the grace of Christ to help us, and although we will fail, we have to be thankful that He just might provide another day for us to be more pleasing to Him and His will for us. God is consistently showing me what new goals I need to set in order to further His Kingdom, and I have been greatly humbled this past year. One of the things I am now starting is a remembrance journal. God revealed this idea to me through a communication through Joyce Meyer I heard the other day when she was speaking to the Hillsong Church in Australia. She was teaching how to 'Stay Amazed' at God. The whole communication is an awesome reminder of how we can all be amazed by God when we first come to know Him, but after a while, those things that were once amazing to us, start to become normal and we then start to take His awesomeness for granted. I started noticing that within me to a degree, and I don't Ever want His greatness to just become something I simply overlook. And, as much as I know my soul desires to give Him praise and glory for every little thing, it is so easy for our flesh to start taking the drivers seat and to start focusing on the brokenness that the world brings, rather than being amazing at how AWESOME and Powerful* our God is. So Joyce said she had been writing down everything that God personally does for her that amazes her, from the littlest things to the largest. I had never thought of this, so I am very excited about doing this! If the time comes where I just want to remember all the little things God did that 'tickled my fancy', I can go to my journals and humbly remind myself how God specifically communicated and poured out His love for me. One reminder is from the other day when I was filling up the ice tray. I always spill water while transporting the ice tray from the sink to the freezer so I asked Jesus to help me not to spill, and He did :-) Not a Tiny bit of water on the floor. Today, Kev and I were getting ready to leave to go eat and my eyes felt full of pressure, so I said a half-hearted prayer asking God to take away my pain. I say 'half-hearted' because although I meant what I was asking for, I was still planning on taking tylenol to help with the pain while not giving Jesus time to do His work, but by the time I got to our jeep to take the tylenol, I noticed God had already taken the pain away! He worked within a matter of 10 minutes! I was so thankful, but in the same sense greatly humbled once again. He allowed me to realize that although His grace is absolutely incredible, I need to really depend on Him to answer the prayer I pray with full expectation and without thinking of other alternatives to help the pain as well. He Alone wants the glory. He doesn't want me to give glory to Him AND the tylenol. It's the little things that are So big!! Some might look at me a little crazy, but that's the light and salt that Jesus talks about, in which they are desperately desiring to see. And, the only way others will be able to see it, is if we Feel it within ourselves. He is a God to get excited over, not just for the new years eve holiday, but Everyday, and a God who is worth All of our praise!

So, as we are approaching New Years Eve 2009, I am thanking Him for who He is and for not giving up on me. My continued prayer for each day of the New Year, is that I love others as He has graciously loved me, and for me to keep His purpose and Kingdom in main focus above All else. I want to be ready as possible when I meet Him face to face as I walk from earth into eternity. Which by the way, could be Tonight! Are You ready??

Yep, That's Just Me

For those who haven't already seen this little conversation between a friend of mine I used to go to high school in McPherson with named Kevin(NOT my husband Kevin :-)), I wanted to share this...it makes me laugh...

Kevin wrote on his status:

Kevin has joined the dark side.

Chelsea's response:

Don't do it Kevin! You will be losing out on your ONLY help! The dark side looks nice sometimes, but it is Guaranteed to end up in a worse place than you ever were or already are! I plead with you to Run to the One who loves you soo much and the One who created you with Divine purpose that you may not be able to see right now!...JESUS!:-)

Kevin's response:

Aww Chelsea! I was talking about my hair. I decided to dye it black :)

Hee Hee :-) :-)

Weekend of December 27/28-2008

This has been an Awesome, God filled, weekend! Last night at church, we had our last message of the Dreams series and sang 10* songs!! WOW! It was Super sweet and I felt truly blessed to be a part of that! This morning we had two more services that included 7* songs, a Great...yet short...communication from God through Pastor, a truly awesome testimony that was filled with a powerful message filled with God's amazing Spirit, And we celebrated communion. Oh yeah...AND...gave away 3 Wii's!! I would have to say the service I experienced the Holy Spirit the most...in a personal way...was the 9:30 service. God passionately struck my heart during the song 'Jesus Paid it All' as people were going up to get their remembrance cup of juice that represented Jesus' blood and a piece of bread for His body. That is One of the most beautiful sights I could ever experience in seeing. It's amazing to be part of a church body that God's truth and love is totally present at, then on top of that, having the opportunity to sing up on the stage while looking out to all the redeemed people praising the same God as I and raising their hands to show their love and adoration towards Him is seriously extremely moving. Then, adding people showing their thankfulness to Him even More by joining in the celebration of Communion is even more beautiful!! Very blessed. Pastor Mark didn't speak for a very long time this weekend, but within the time he did, God sure was All over it! The Lord gave him a great story that really moved my heart in an overwhelming way, about a couple of kids and a Dad. They were eating at a picnic, when a wasp started flying around them. Of course, the kids were getting frantic not knowing what to do, and the Dad grabbed the wasp and cupped/squished it in the palm of his hand. When he opened his hand, the stinger from the wasp was grounded into his skin. I'm sure his hand did not look the greatest after a sting like that either. The kids were surprised and of course felt badly for their Dad, as we don't want anyone we love to experience any kind of pain. But, he took the sting for the rest of the family, just like Jesus took the price of Our sins through suffering and shedding His blood on the cross. Of course, the wasp story is not even a Comparison to what Jesus did for us, but it allows us to see how Little that was...but how Big it touched our hearts. Can we Really imagine what Jesus went through for us? I know I can't truly fathom it, but He allows me to realize that truth in little pieces on a sporadic basis. Then, the Lord also had Mark talk about Heaven....telling us to use our imagination full blast! God gave us an imagination for a reason, but God tells us that No eye and No ear has heard what He Really has prepared for us. The Lord also allowed Pastor to remind us that God made the earth in 6 days, with the 7th being a day of rest. Could we really imagine what heaven is going to be like after He has been preparing it for us for a couple thousand of years so far? Wow! God strongly touched my heart and allowed tears of joy come to me when He gave Pastor different examples of the things we will love in Heaven. He gave him quite a few examples, but the one that struck me the Most was when he held open his arms and gave an example of what it would be like to embrace Jesus for the first time. WOW! There will be NOTHING better than that! My Father, my Love, my Savior, my Advocate, my Defender, my Strength, my Healer*, my God. Amazing. Talk about being thankful! You could have sent me to a million churches this morning, but I can Almost guarantee that I wouldn't have been touched more strongly by God than I was at NewSpring Church in Wichita Kansas! After All of that...God allowed an incredibly impactful testimony through the life He gave Lance's Dad, Ray. This was a man that was filled with a Great amount of faith and was bold about telling people his situation in battling with cancer and sharing God's truth and love with everyone who came across him. He is such a huge inspiration and I highly suggest anyone who reads this to check out his testimony whenever it gets on the NewSpring website this coming week...if God allows. Seriously though...be prepared to be totally inspired. But then, to have Lance sing the song that Ray wanted him to sing at his funeral...or rather I would say a day of celebration of him meeting Jesus...was just phenomenal. That took total strength from the Holy Spirit and it was Beautiful seeing God's grace and love surround Lance as he was doing what God called him to do for His divine purpose and reason. When all the services were over and while Kevin was cleaning up, God helped me in cleaning up some trash in the back of all the pews, as well as organizing the bibles, tithing envelopes, and notepads. That never gets old and is definitely a privilege and blessing to do! Then, when everyone was out of the church and Kevin was getting ready to lock up, God allowed me the opportunity to sit in the sanctuary by myself to pray and reflect. This was awesome because in the morning on the way to NewSpring...leaving at 6:30 in the morning...God allowed me to reflect on what it was like before my life in Christ. I remembered it being 6:30 in the morning and I would still be riding around in the country drinking...while being already drunk...and getting ready to go home after a night full of partying. I remember that person and lifestyle quite clearly, but wow, what it would be like if God wasn't a God who chose to rescue such undeserving people!! His grace is more than enough! Once God allowed Kevin and I to make it home about 2:30, we had an enjoyable lunch with the window that displayed God's radiant beauty blowing in on us. We lit a candle in place for Him which brought me joy. All my life, up until a couple of years ago, I remember looking out the window and being sad about Something or just missing someone or something in general. I was Always depressed and Hated looking outside at 'life'. But today, I was able to fix my thoughts on God's beautiful grace - thanking Him for the incredible freedom that He alone provides. I pray He allows me to always remember and cherish beautiful moments such as these.

Life is just like a rose

God has put it on my Worship Pastor's heart for me to sing a song for this coming weekend. The weekends message is called 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and the song chosen for me is called 'Just a Dream' by Carrie Underwood.

When Lance, my Worship Pastor, asked me if I had heard this song, I remembered hearing it one time by Carrie Underwood when she sang it at the CMA awards. If you want to watch it, you can google it and watch it on you tube. Anyway, the song was very, very powerful in so many ways. The song by Itself is powerful enough, but when the lights and her emotions all come with it, it is pretty much a guaranteed heart toucher.

As I have been preparing to sing this song within the last few weeks, I have been really experiencing a lot of mixed emotions. First of all, just thinking of all the Soldiers who have families and the families will never see them again. That Alone is hard enough...especially for a really sensitive gal as I. But, when I sang the song, I placed my own self in the girls position and all the emotions and remembrances of when I lost my boyfriend James in 2002, came rushing back.

That was such a horrible period of my life. I had been going through so much already with needing to feel loved, and did all I could to get that fulfillment, but I was never able to find it. My Mom, Step-Dad and Step-Mom had love they tried offering me, but we weren't on the same page then and I was a pretty rebellious girl who had been hurt in a lot of different ways that they just didn't understand. I'm sure most parents (and teenagers!) can relate to what I'm talking about.

God struck my heart with James, which was totally God because I had never imagined James as anything more than a good friend. After trying to get past an extremely mentally abusive relationship of 3 years, James was the one who God led into my path to show me what actual, true love, really was. I see the kind of love James had for me on a regular basis now, but at that time, God had never allowed me to experience such a rare and precious gift. The love I thought was love, was all wrong and diluted by Satan.

James passed away at about 1 a.m. in the morning, on April 28, 2002 when he was 22 years old, while crashing his dirt bike head on with another guy who was also on a dirt bike. James passed away immediately, and the other guy...Tim...who was also a friend of mine and good friend of Kevin's...passed on at the hospital later on.

I can remember how lost I felt, as James was the only one in my life who cared to understand me. Like I said, I had parents who cared, but God hadn't allowed understanding in their hearts the way I needed...but it was all for a bigger reason and purpose than I knew at the time. Even when James couldn't understand me, he still loved me unconditionally and showed the trueness of a piece of love from Christ...although I knew nothing about Christ's love then, but can realize that now. I just knew that there was no one that could love and accept me more.

There were countless nights of sleeping in my car at his grave site just singing and praying for the pain to go away. I just wanted to die. The feelings of hopelessness that I had then, is hard for me to even come close to feeling now, as God has really helped me in ways only He could. I was on so many anti-psychotics and going in and out of the mental hospitals just trying to 'keep functioning'...whatever that meant. I had no hope, but God was allowing me to experience all kinds of different techniques and treatments to make myself better for a reason that was at the time, beyond my comprehension...but even if I could have comprehended it, I would prob. have gotten Really mad at Him and not Cared to understand.

Tonight is the first rehearsal night of this song before singing it this weekend, if God allows. So, to try to reminisce of how I felt and putting myself back in that girls shoes who I used to be, I was led to get out my little folder of the remainder items I have of James. I was left with a couple of pics and a long sleeve, blue, street bike shirt, that he wore when he was with me, as well as a long sleeved white, street bike shirt that he wore the night before he passed away and it still has my make up stain from laying my head on his shoulder... it is in a sealed up bag with his smell still remaining on it. I remember the night before he passed away, him calling me on the phone and telling me he wanted to see me really bad and was hoping for me to come to Moundridge...as I lived in Salina at the time. I told him, "Not tonight, because I've worked a really long shift and am really tired. I will see you tomorrow when we go 4-wheeling." I also remember laughing at him because we had just spent the night together the night before and it was cute to hear that he missed me so much already. So, he agreed with me and said that was fine and he didn't know what he was going to do for sure that evening, but at the time there wasn't any parties or anything like that he knew about. I went to my boss' house and played dominoes with his wife and woke up at 8 in the morning to hearing my step-mom telling me that James passed away earlier that night. All of my 'close' friends from Moundridge had gotten together and were mourning the loss all night long, and I ended up finding out by my ex-fiancé about James. So, I lost my best friend/boyfriend in James that night, and then lost all of my friends...mostly by my choice because I was so mad that no one would inform me. Not only that, but they distanced themselves very fast, prob. just because they didn't know what to say or do. I don't really know, but that part doesn't matter anymore. I just know I felt so lost and had absolutely no where to go and no one to talk to. My ex fiancé who came and went in and out of my life due to his control issues, was the only one I had who I could talk to. So, I clung myself back to him in hopes that he would 'change' and I would be able to have that type of love that James gave me back through him. Yes, this sounds very messed up, but I Was messed up and it was all a very real thing.

As I was looking through the folder I have of James today, I was looking at his funeral pamphlet and the Lord allowed me to notice that the song that was sang, was "I Can Only Imagine". I was so 'dead' at the funeral that I had no idea this was the song sung, but it is Crazy to see that now after all of this time, because that is the song the Lord struck my heart as He changed my life on Feb. 10, 2007. That just blows me away!! So, that song is what prompted me to write this blog, as well as this little poem I found in the folder...

I watched for days
upon a single rose
that set so lonesome,
but yet so exquisite,
in a vase,
trying to comprehend,
why me?
Why did I have to be the one
to lose the one I loved?...
I watched a petal fall
from the enchanted rose
that stood so lonesome
in the vase,
I now understand.
Life is just like a rose.

Keep Bleedng Love

A couple of months ago, God kept allowing me to hear this song on the radio just skipping through the stations, and I can understand why He did now! The original version of the song has a whole different meaning than what God has allowed me to comprehend it as, but here's what the words mean to me... This song can be googled or heard on youtube.

KEEP BLEEDING LOVE-LEONA LEWIS

"Closed off from love I didn't need the pain - Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain - Time starts to pass Before you know it you're frozen..."
-We all have a sense to love in our hearts, which all comes from God. But, with sin in the world, we experience lust, cheating, sexual immorality, death, and lying... just to name a few. So, after pouring our hearts out, what happens when satan rolls in? We want to give up and not love again and then before we know it we are 'frozen' and closed off to any new love that might be brought our way, as doing this is a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt again.

"But something happened for the very first time with you - My heart melted into the ground, found something true - And everyone's looking 'round thinking I'm going crazy..."
-In my life, I was closed off to any type of church, religion, and very scared to have a relationship with anybody as I sincerely believed that it would Somehow end. Even if I found the 'right' church, or the 'right' guy who treated me the way my heart craved, I knew that the love and happiness would somehow end as either a result of death or the rule of the 'flesh'. But, when I found Jesus and He began to change me, He allowed me to see His truth, True love, Amazing power, and grace. Once that happened, I wanted to tell the World that He is Real and loves us all more than we can imagine, but yearns for a Relationship with us. When simply just praying and asking Him to give us His blessings, He wants to know that once He gives us those things, that we will continue to talk to Him and praise Him, as well as learn Who He is, as He already knows everything about us. Then, He wants us to proclaim all the great and miraculous things He does in our lives, as He wants everyone to see His light and experience the favor and freedom He has allowed us through grace. But, when we do that, the 'world' looks at us like we are crazy. Maybe we do act a little crazy, but He is worth being crazy over as He is the Only thing that lasts FOREVER and He has more love to give than Anyone human can give. There's Nothing better and more true to talk about than Him, and that drives most people crazy because it battles with their own conceived (most of the time deceived...) perceptions of who God is and who satan is, and it battles their flesh that does not want to let go.

Chorus:
"But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you. They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth. My heart's crippled by the vein That I keep on closing. You cut me open and I, Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love You cut me open"
-When expressing my love for Christ, I hear a lot of people trying to question the truth I believe in. All most people know and believe in is the things they can actually see, and things that make sense to them on a human level ... basing their own truth on their own human and so limited understanding, which leads them to believing in pretty much anything. However, since they care about and love me, they don't want me to be misled with what I believe ... in other words, they don't want me to invest my time/life into Someone/something that I will eventually come to find out is not actually real ... so they question me and compare the Bible's truth with their own 'truth'. In the meantime, I keep on trying to close relationships that I know could be beneficial and a blessing, due to the fear of being hurt again and not being able to handle the pain, or due to getting confronted with more debates and questions than I have the ability to answer. Sometimes it all feels like too much for me to deal with and I want to give up. In truth, I know that God wants to grow my trust in Him through all of this and learn to really rely on Him, rather than my own self ... hence, the flesh wanting to hang on ... But, God keeps opening and revealing His truth and love to me on a daily basis, which motivates me to persevere and endure. In the meantime, however, I have a love for Him on the inside that is growing so deep because I know it will Never end.

"Trying hard not to hear, but they talk so loud. Their piercing sounds fill my ears, try to fill me with doubt. Yet I know that their goal is to keep me from falling"
-This also regards to the things I said in the last paragraph.

"But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace - and in this world of loneliness I see your face - Yet everyone around me Thinks that I'm going crazy Maybe, maybe"
-These words say it perfectly and can be reflected back to what I have already spoke about previously.

"And it's draining all of me - Oh they find it hard to believe. I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see"
-A lot of people find it hard to understand why I would deal with so much persecution and feelings of not belonging to the worlds ways and views, but I know the 'scars' are only temporary, as this life is just preparation for our Eternal home. We can be put through a Lot of hardships and trials for living for/with Jesus, but what matters is how we deal with them, as the results will be shown where we spend eternity. This life can seem So long, especially with all the pain and hurt we endure...living or not living for Him... but when we compare this life to eternity, this life is Extremely short.

No matter how much I try to close myself off from love and hurt from the world, God shines His amazing grace and love within my soul in ways that allows me to begin another new day of trying again. I used to think that 'time' was the worst thing in the world, as people would tell me "it will get better with time" and although that may have seemed like an encouragement to them, time really makes things so much worse if we don't have the Holy Spirit to strengthen us by Jesus' grace as we hold every thought captive to the obedience of Christ as we renew our minds with His Word. 'Time' has a great tendency to make us dwell upon past feelings and our current loneliness and pain, and it can end up coming to the point of total isolation due to not feeling understood and being so unique and different in comparison to others. His love is truly amazing, and if we continue to seek Him and have the desire to know Him, He will allow us to feel free, like we've never felt before. Sure, there will be days when we will want to shut ourselves out and choose our own selfish will over His, but God Will renew us if we allow Him to.

Funny Memory

This last Thursday, Kevin and I were in McPherson at a Christian book store and God allowed us to seeing a friend I had back in high school when I attended Moundridge, named Anna. I haven't seen this girl for a couple of years, but the last time I seen her, I was in a messed up state of mind on a lot of medications and trying to fight my way through life. After seeing her and talking about the 2 kids the Lord has blessed her with, I started thinking about some memories we shared together and a specific one came to mind that I will probably never forget :-) When we were in high school, we were both asked to sing solo pieces at our friend, Charcie's sisters wedding. Everything was going fine until Anna decided she thought my high heals would look better with her outfit and her shoes would look better with mine. I agreed that her judgment was right, but had never actually 'walked' in her shoes and we were sitting down when the wedding was beginning to start. I hesitated and told her I was extremely nervous and tried persisting on keeping my own shoes, but she had a way of making me feel like everything would be Ok. When I was finished singing my solo, I was walking down the stairs as it was extremely quiet, and the heal on Anna's shoe(which was on my foot) broke and I tumbled down the stairs in front of everybody. Oh, I was so embarrassed and so were the people who were with me :-) I am a clumsy person most of the time, but I knew I should have listened to my gut when it was telling me Not to wear unknown shoes! I couldn't stop from laughing after I seen her and a few others laughing, and I started laughing hysterically unable to stop. That was a memory I will probably never forget, but I was thankful, nonetheless, for the opportunity to be able to sing for a great couple uniting themselves in Christ :-)