God has put it on my Worship
Pastor's heart for me to sing a song for this coming weekend. The weekends
message is called 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and the song chosen for me
is called 'Just a Dream' by Carrie Underwood.
When Lance, my Worship Pastor, asked me if I had heard this song, I remembered hearing it one time by Carrie Underwood when she sang it at the CMA awards. If you want to watch it, you can google it and watch it on you tube. Anyway, the song was very, very powerful in so many ways. The song by Itself is powerful enough, but when the lights and her emotions all come with it, it is pretty much a guaranteed heart toucher.
As I have been preparing to sing this song within the last few weeks, I have been really experiencing a lot of mixed emotions. First of all, just thinking of all the Soldiers who have families and the families will never see them again. That Alone is hard enough...especially for a really sensitive gal as I. But, when I sang the song, I placed my own self in the girls position and all the emotions and remembrances of when I lost my boyfriend James in 2002, came rushing back.
That was such a horrible period of my life. I had been going through so much already with needing to feel loved, and did all I could to get that fulfillment, but I was never able to find it. My Mom, Step-Dad and Step-Mom had love they tried offering me, but we weren't on the same page then and I was a pretty rebellious girl who had been hurt in a lot of different ways that they just didn't understand. I'm sure most parents (and teenagers!) can relate to what I'm talking about.
God struck my heart with James, which was totally God because I had never imagined James as anything more than a good friend. After trying to get past an extremely mentally abusive relationship of 3 years, James was the one who God led into my path to show me what actual, true love, really was. I see the kind of love James had for me on a regular basis now, but at that time, God had never allowed me to experience such a rare and precious gift. The love I thought was love, was all wrong and diluted by Satan.
James passed away at about 1 a.m. in the morning, on April 28, 2002 when he was 22 years old, while crashing his dirt bike head on with another guy who was also on a dirt bike. James passed away immediately, and the other guy...Tim...who was also a friend of mine and good friend of Kevin's...passed on at the hospital later on.
I can remember how lost I felt, as James was the only one in my life who cared to understand me. Like I said, I had parents who cared, but God hadn't allowed understanding in their hearts the way I needed...but it was all for a bigger reason and purpose than I knew at the time. Even when James couldn't understand me, he still loved me unconditionally and showed the trueness of a piece of love from Christ...although I knew nothing about Christ's love then, but can realize that now. I just knew that there was no one that could love and accept me more.
There were countless nights of sleeping in my car at his grave site just singing and praying for the pain to go away. I just wanted to die. The feelings of hopelessness that I had then, is hard for me to even come close to feeling now, as God has really helped me in ways only He could. I was on so many anti-psychotics and going in and out of the mental hospitals just trying to 'keep functioning'...whatever that meant. I had no hope, but God was allowing me to experience all kinds of different techniques and treatments to make myself better for a reason that was at the time, beyond my comprehension...but even if I could have comprehended it, I would prob. have gotten Really mad at Him and not Cared to understand.
Tonight is the first rehearsal night of this song before singing it this weekend, if God allows. So, to try to reminisce of how I felt and putting myself back in that girls shoes who I used to be, I was led to get out my little folder of the remainder items I have of James. I was left with a couple of pics and a long sleeve, blue, street bike shirt, that he wore when he was with me, as well as a long sleeved white, street bike shirt that he wore the night before he passed away and it still has my make up stain from laying my head on his shoulder... it is in a sealed up bag with his smell still remaining on it. I remember the night before he passed away, him calling me on the phone and telling me he wanted to see me really bad and was hoping for me to come to Moundridge...as I lived in Salina at the time. I told him, "Not tonight, because I've worked a really long shift and am really tired. I will see you tomorrow when we go 4-wheeling." I also remember laughing at him because we had just spent the night together the night before and it was cute to hear that he missed me so much already. So, he agreed with me and said that was fine and he didn't know what he was going to do for sure that evening, but at the time there wasn't any parties or anything like that he knew about. I went to my boss' house and played dominoes with his wife and woke up at 8 in the morning to hearing my step-mom telling me that James passed away earlier that night. All of my 'close' friends from Moundridge had gotten together and were mourning the loss all night long, and I ended up finding out by my ex-fiancé about James. So, I lost my best friend/boyfriend in James that night, and then lost all of my friends...mostly by my choice because I was so mad that no one would inform me. Not only that, but they distanced themselves very fast, prob. just because they didn't know what to say or do. I don't really know, but that part doesn't matter anymore. I just know I felt so lost and had absolutely no where to go and no one to talk to. My ex fiancé who came and went in and out of my life due to his control issues, was the only one I had who I could talk to. So, I clung myself back to him in hopes that he would 'change' and I would be able to have that type of love that James gave me back through him. Yes, this sounds very messed up, but I Was messed up and it was all a very real thing.
As I was looking through the folder I have of James today, I was looking at his funeral pamphlet and the Lord allowed me to notice that the song that was sang, was "I Can Only Imagine". I was so 'dead' at the funeral that I had no idea this was the song sung, but it is Crazy to see that now after all of this time, because that is the song the Lord struck my heart as He changed my life on Feb. 10, 2007. That just blows me away!! So, that song is what prompted me to write this blog, as well as this little poem I found in the folder...
I watched for days
upon a single rose
that set so lonesome,
but yet so exquisite,
in a vase,
trying to comprehend,
why me?
Why did I have to be the one
to lose the one I loved?...
I watched a petal fall
from the enchanted rose
that stood so lonesome
in the vase,
I now understand.
Life is just like a rose.
When Lance, my Worship Pastor, asked me if I had heard this song, I remembered hearing it one time by Carrie Underwood when she sang it at the CMA awards. If you want to watch it, you can google it and watch it on you tube. Anyway, the song was very, very powerful in so many ways. The song by Itself is powerful enough, but when the lights and her emotions all come with it, it is pretty much a guaranteed heart toucher.
As I have been preparing to sing this song within the last few weeks, I have been really experiencing a lot of mixed emotions. First of all, just thinking of all the Soldiers who have families and the families will never see them again. That Alone is hard enough...especially for a really sensitive gal as I. But, when I sang the song, I placed my own self in the girls position and all the emotions and remembrances of when I lost my boyfriend James in 2002, came rushing back.
That was such a horrible period of my life. I had been going through so much already with needing to feel loved, and did all I could to get that fulfillment, but I was never able to find it. My Mom, Step-Dad and Step-Mom had love they tried offering me, but we weren't on the same page then and I was a pretty rebellious girl who had been hurt in a lot of different ways that they just didn't understand. I'm sure most parents (and teenagers!) can relate to what I'm talking about.
God struck my heart with James, which was totally God because I had never imagined James as anything more than a good friend. After trying to get past an extremely mentally abusive relationship of 3 years, James was the one who God led into my path to show me what actual, true love, really was. I see the kind of love James had for me on a regular basis now, but at that time, God had never allowed me to experience such a rare and precious gift. The love I thought was love, was all wrong and diluted by Satan.
James passed away at about 1 a.m. in the morning, on April 28, 2002 when he was 22 years old, while crashing his dirt bike head on with another guy who was also on a dirt bike. James passed away immediately, and the other guy...Tim...who was also a friend of mine and good friend of Kevin's...passed on at the hospital later on.
I can remember how lost I felt, as James was the only one in my life who cared to understand me. Like I said, I had parents who cared, but God hadn't allowed understanding in their hearts the way I needed...but it was all for a bigger reason and purpose than I knew at the time. Even when James couldn't understand me, he still loved me unconditionally and showed the trueness of a piece of love from Christ...although I knew nothing about Christ's love then, but can realize that now. I just knew that there was no one that could love and accept me more.
There were countless nights of sleeping in my car at his grave site just singing and praying for the pain to go away. I just wanted to die. The feelings of hopelessness that I had then, is hard for me to even come close to feeling now, as God has really helped me in ways only He could. I was on so many anti-psychotics and going in and out of the mental hospitals just trying to 'keep functioning'...whatever that meant. I had no hope, but God was allowing me to experience all kinds of different techniques and treatments to make myself better for a reason that was at the time, beyond my comprehension...but even if I could have comprehended it, I would prob. have gotten Really mad at Him and not Cared to understand.
Tonight is the first rehearsal night of this song before singing it this weekend, if God allows. So, to try to reminisce of how I felt and putting myself back in that girls shoes who I used to be, I was led to get out my little folder of the remainder items I have of James. I was left with a couple of pics and a long sleeve, blue, street bike shirt, that he wore when he was with me, as well as a long sleeved white, street bike shirt that he wore the night before he passed away and it still has my make up stain from laying my head on his shoulder... it is in a sealed up bag with his smell still remaining on it. I remember the night before he passed away, him calling me on the phone and telling me he wanted to see me really bad and was hoping for me to come to Moundridge...as I lived in Salina at the time. I told him, "Not tonight, because I've worked a really long shift and am really tired. I will see you tomorrow when we go 4-wheeling." I also remember laughing at him because we had just spent the night together the night before and it was cute to hear that he missed me so much already. So, he agreed with me and said that was fine and he didn't know what he was going to do for sure that evening, but at the time there wasn't any parties or anything like that he knew about. I went to my boss' house and played dominoes with his wife and woke up at 8 in the morning to hearing my step-mom telling me that James passed away earlier that night. All of my 'close' friends from Moundridge had gotten together and were mourning the loss all night long, and I ended up finding out by my ex-fiancé about James. So, I lost my best friend/boyfriend in James that night, and then lost all of my friends...mostly by my choice because I was so mad that no one would inform me. Not only that, but they distanced themselves very fast, prob. just because they didn't know what to say or do. I don't really know, but that part doesn't matter anymore. I just know I felt so lost and had absolutely no where to go and no one to talk to. My ex fiancé who came and went in and out of my life due to his control issues, was the only one I had who I could talk to. So, I clung myself back to him in hopes that he would 'change' and I would be able to have that type of love that James gave me back through him. Yes, this sounds very messed up, but I Was messed up and it was all a very real thing.
As I was looking through the folder I have of James today, I was looking at his funeral pamphlet and the Lord allowed me to notice that the song that was sang, was "I Can Only Imagine". I was so 'dead' at the funeral that I had no idea this was the song sung, but it is Crazy to see that now after all of this time, because that is the song the Lord struck my heart as He changed my life on Feb. 10, 2007. That just blows me away!! So, that song is what prompted me to write this blog, as well as this little poem I found in the folder...
I watched for days
upon a single rose
that set so lonesome,
but yet so exquisite,
in a vase,
trying to comprehend,
why me?
Why did I have to be the one
to lose the one I loved?...
I watched a petal fall
from the enchanted rose
that stood so lonesome
in the vase,
I now understand.
Life is just like a rose.
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