Thanks

God had put it on my worship leader’s heart to ask me to lead ‘See His Love’ this past weekend. No matter where I’m at, if I am singing with other believers to our God, it is nothing less than an amazing experience. Even singing acapella to my God in my own living room, or with Hillsong Church blasting in the background, is such an awesome time to pour out my heart to God. But, with leading a song, comes people’s compliments and encouragement. God is working in me, but I have such a difficult time saying ‘thank you’, because I know full and well that I truly have no right to say such a thing, as I would be robbing God of the credit He alone deserves. But, who wants to hear a long story of ‘why’ I don’t feel right saying ‘thank you’? Some people do…if God has allowed them the time to hear it…but so many of us who serve at church, are on a mission to go from point A to point B in a matter of minutes which doesn’t allow the time for long-winded explanations. So simply saying, ‘Praise God’ is the answer most will hear from me.

Many people don’t understand my sensitivity with this, and I don’t expect them to. Before meeting Jesus, my Lord and Savior, 4 ½ years ago, I would have been able to say ‘thank you’ and not be convicted of anything different. I have had a passion to sing since the age of 4, and at that time, God allowed me to walk around doing nothing But singing whatever came to my mind…in other words, they were songs I made up as I walked along. I didn’t care if they made sense or not, I just wanted to sing. Besides being in gymnastics growing up…, which I wasn’t good at…, singing was what my life consisted of. I was never a social person for more reasons than I desire to express right now, so I would stay in my room with the door closed just singing to a pretend audience while either looking in the mirror or out the window. I poured my heart out to songs by Amy Grant, Madonna, Faith Hill, and Martina McBride, just to name a few. God allowed me to live in some intense living situations, so songs such as ‘Independence Day’, ‘Broken Wing’, both by Martina McBride, and ‘A Man’s Home is His Castle’ by Faith Hill, really hit home for me. I had such a great passion to be able to sing songs such as those, to help others that were going through the things of those songs to know that I understood their pain, at least to an extent.

In middle school, I had tried out for Arts Council Choir, all the three years I was eligible, and never made it. That devastated me. My dad, who was a very busy man, tried showing his support for my hard work and dedication of practicing by trying to find me a private singing lesson teacher. Once he thought he had found one, the teacher either wouldn’t show up to the appointment, or they would tell him that I was too young, and my voice was still maturing…which made no sense…but regardless, that apparently was not what God had wanted for me, otherwise He would have allowed the opportunity.

When getting into high school, I was in the general choir classes my freshman and sophomore years, but when trying out for the honor choir, I did not make it. My grandma Payne worked with me from the age of 4, all the way through my school years trying to help me sing from my diaphragm…which totally contradicted what I was taught in choir. The choir teachers wanted me to sing in my falsetto, AKA “head voice”, so I had started out at age 4 singing boldly from my diaphragm, to getting into the mold of trying to sing falsetto…to learning again to sing with my “chest voice”, from the diaphragm. Oh if my grandma were still alive, she would tell you the intense hours she spent trying to re-teach me how to sing.

I moved to Moundridge the beginning of my junior year and sang in choir both my junior and senior years, then tried out for their honor choir my senior year and finally made it! It wasn’t long before that didn’t work out for me because part of being on that team consisted of singing with the group at various churches on Sunday’s and that was so miserable and not worth it to me. I hated going to stale churches. So, I got off that team but still hoped for a lead part at concerts, but it seemed like everyone But me got those parts (I’m being a little exaggerate with saying ‘everyone’ but bare with me). I was disappointed, but was able to sing a solo part at our graduation due to my fellow classmates wanting me to.

From there, I had seen a nation wide singing contest information slip in my music teacher’s school mailbox, as I was office aid at the time and put it in there. It said that in order to be apart of the contest, the contestant would have to send in a recorded cd of 2 songs, and from there, they would select 8 winners (if I remember right) to come to Nashville and be apart of a 2-day seminar that consisted of well-known publishers, producers, and song writers. After the seminar, we would have the chance to sing in front of a group of well-known panelists who would critique and grade us, and then allow us the opportunity to further our career. Well, I sent in the 2-songed cd and a few months later found out that I was one of the contestants to make it! It was an amazing experience. I had never had people want my autograph before that point and it definitely gave me a little boost of self-pride (which I wish I would have known what God has to say about pride in James 4:6!). I was so happy that someone noticed and wanted my talent!

I had no desire of moving to Nashville at that time, so after that contest, I started gaining interest in doing other contests. The Hutch Fest was always a regular contest for me, and it occurred at the end of June every year. The finalists would then go on to sing at the State Fair Grounds on the 4th of July to perform in front of a huge crowd, on a huge stage. I sang at that contest several times, and made it as a finalist one of the times. Singing on that huge stage was such a great rush. The bigger the crowd, the better, and the less nervous I seemed to be. It was also a very special moment for me, because my mom, step-dad, and I had been to see some of my favorite country artists perform on that same stage. I thrived off the attention, because honestly, I felt that my singing was all I really had to offer. I had been beaten down with critical and negative words, made up of lies, the majority of my whole life, and I allowed it to affect me greatly.

Thriving off of people’s praise so much, I started singing in Colgate Country Showdowns, all over the state of Kansas, as well as some in Oklahoma. In the majority of them, a contestant would have to send their cd of 2 songs in the mail and if a person qualified, they would receive a letter by mail and have the opportunity to go and compete against other really good singers. I qualified for all but one, if I remember right, and competed in these contests quite often. Within doing that, I also sang in some churches and performed in a few here-and-there mini-concerts, where I got paid at a couple, while also doing another contest called the ‘Kansas Idol’ where I received a bronze medallion.

I say all of this not to boast about anything I have done, but to help anyone who reads this gain some understanding of why I am the way I am now, and to make a point.

In receiving a lot of compliments, I started finding self-confidence from being praised. If I messed up when I sang or if I didn’t do my absolute best, I was devastated and felt like a major failure. (And, in saying this, I still have my moments of this but this is just another area that God continues to grow me in.) Within doing these contests, I battled severe depression and manic moods, and was on heavy doses of medication, as well as spending my time getting high on marijuana (after I had graduated high school). I was incredibly doped up and made it a goal to never eat, so I was not only unhealthy, but also badly anorexic.

In between times, I stayed in mental hospitals just in purpose of trying to get my self back on track, but those places only brought me to a worse state of mind. When friends and family would see me, they would say, “There’s my favorite singer” or “I'm your biggest fan!”, but it wasn't long before I felt like people only liked me because of my singing. I didn’t feel like anyone wanted to know the real me or anything else about me. The most common thing I heard was, "Don't forget me when you become famous!" I started to evaluate who my real friends were and when things got really bad in my life, I didn't have to evaluate very hard. No one was there, but I now know that God used that time to allow me to come to a realization that He was there the whole time and understand every detail of it all.

When God flooded my heart in 2006 in such a way that I knew He was real, He really started really drawing me to Him and understanding His truth. On February 10, 2007, He gave me peace, understanding, wisdom, and love in ways that only He alone could have done by the power of the Holy Spirit. Since that day, I have never been the same, and He opened my eyes and touched my heart in such a powerful way that my only desire is to give Him praise, as He alone deserves. Exodus 31:1-11 says,

“Then the Lord said to Moses, “Look, I have specifically chosen Bezalel son of Uri, grandson of Hur, of the tribe of Judah. I have filled him with the Spirit of God, giving him great wisdom, ability, and expertise in all kinds of crafts. He is a master craftsman, expert in working with gold, silver, and bronze. He is skilled in graving and mounting gemstones and in carving wood. He is a master at every craft! And I have personally appointed Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, to be his assistant. Moreover, I have given special skill to all the gifted craftsmen so they can make all the things I have commanded you to make: …”

As we can read, it is the Lord who gives wisdom, ability, and expertise. It is not of our own doing! For me to say thank you to someone who says, “good job!” or “I Love your voice!” would be like me accepting the credit for a voice that I did not create. He made us all in His likeness, so the voices each of us have, are of no choice of our own. God specifically made each voice for each person. For Him to give me the gift of singing has nothing to do with me. He also gave me the ears to hear what I need to hear, the eyes to see what I need to see, and the brain ability to even think of what I’m saying/singing. With this said, I understand that the Lord has not convicted such truth to the majority of people, and He is working on me in a great way to take their compliments to heart, knowing that they truly mean well. God does not want to me to walk around judging other people's words, but to live in peace and personally abide to the specific things He has opened my eyes to.

I was able to accept the praise before understanding all of this, but once He graciously gave me such precious knowledge (which was so freeing, by the way!), how could I say ‘thank you’ and feel ok with that? He is my Savior, my Redeemer, and the One who fought for my life by going through all He went through and nailing Himself to a cross...all so I could have life in Him and be called His child and friend!

Some have told me I am being overly sensitive, but if they had gone through what I had gone through and had been saved in such a powerful way, only then would they be able to fully understand. There are going to be people who do not like the voice God has given me, and He has given me complete peace and assurance with that! When competing in the past, there were some people who I thought sounded Amazing, who didn’t even place. And, there are some voices I hear that others really like, and I have to do all I can to remember that God created that voice...just being honest! God has tuned everyone’s ears to something different. I am not a fan of hearing the bag pipes, the trumpet, saxophone, or flute, but others Love the sound of such instruments. Some people can’t stand to listen to Joyce Meyer’s deep voice, but God has allowed me not mind it at all, and see it as such a great blessing. So, if anyone is blessed by the voice He has given me, I know that it is because God tuned their ears and hearts for it to be, so all praise to Him! Again, nothing to do with me :-)

God says in Proverbs 27:21,

“Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but a person is tested by being praised.”

My whole desire is to honor the God who saved me and gave me a voice to use for His glory. ...And the more the merrier! When believers come together to worship Him through song, He unites us all to make one unified voice! So amazing :-) His love remains great for me, and I know that full and well, but I also know that there are some things that He keeps us from doing if He sees that we are not ready to handle what has already given to us.

I always say that I sing to an audience of *1*…and that 1 being my Lord. I have no desire to please people anymore, but only the Lord, the One gave me life and sustains me for His purpose. With that said, coming from a past of receiving nothing but praise from people, I find this to still be a challenge at times. I realize that there are many people who see the worship team sing who have never encountered the hope of Christ and are looking for that something real. It is an amazing feeling to have a part in communicating to them God's great Truth through the words of a song. And, it definitely takes the *whole* worship team to fully communicate this! I am just a one person within the whole team, but it is so beautiful to see how God uses each of us to communicate in our own unique and specific ways :-) It amazes me how God has grown me in this area as well! I used to never be part of a 'team' but depended on my soloist abilities. God has turned that around to be the complete opposite now. I prefer to sing with the other leaders, rather than doing any solos, but am honored to do whatever the Lord wants me to do. Ephesians 4:16 says,

"He makes the whole body fit together and unites it through the support of every joint. As each and every part does its job, He makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love."To be able to tell people in love that Jesus died for me, it is Finished, and He has done it, is an incredible blessing. To be able to communicate the greatness of God’s love for all of us in words such as, “Greater love, no one could ever show, mercy so undeserved, freedom I should not know~All my sins, all of my hidden shame, died with Him on the cross, eternity Won for us”, is a phenomenal way to get super pumped for our God, as it reminds us who we are (which is nothing without Him) and who He is (which is a holy and awesome God). Because of who we are and what He has done for us, we do not deserve such undeserved amazingness!

Although God continues to teach me how to exactly answer each person who does their best to encourage (and I will say again that He still has a lot of work to do in me with this area!), my true-desired response is Luke 17:10,

“We are not worthy of praise. We are servants who have simply done our duty.”


Thanks for reading :-)


“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends You, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” ~Psalm 139:23-24“God chose thing the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And He chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.” ~1 Corinthians 1:27-29“To see yourself as you really are, you must first see God as He really is. Only then can “the truth set you free.” (References to John 8:32) ~Rick Warren